Divorce

Q. I know an abusive husband who beats his wife black and blue. I have no qualms advising her to divorce him. What do you think?

A. What I think is not important. What God thinks is. The Bible is very clear on the subject of divorce:
• Mal 2:16 For I hate divorce,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong,” says the LORD of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.”
• Mt 5:31-32 It was said, ‘WHOEVER SENDS HIS WIFE AWAY, LET HIM GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE’; but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. Also Mt 19:7-9; Mk 10:11-12; Lk 16:18
• 1 Co 7:11-12 But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife. But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away.

God hates divorce, but allows it for the reason of unchastity, when the marriage covenant had been broken. Being married to an unbeliever spouse is not a biblical ground for divorce, nor is spousal abuse specifically allowed as an exception to the rule of “no divorce”. I sympathize with the spouse who is subject to abuse, and would advise “separation” to protect herself/himself against further abuse.

One point seldom discussed. Although God hates divorce, He Himself sent Israel and Judah away and gave them a writ of divorce because of their spiritual adultery:
• Is 50:1 Thus says the LORD, “Where is the certificate of divorce By which I have sent your mother away? Or to whom of My creditors did I sell you? Behold, you were sold for your iniquities, And for your transgressions your mother was sent away.
• Jer 3:8 And I saw that for all the adulteries of faithless Israel, I had sent her away and given her a writ of divorce, yet her treacherous sister Judah did not fear; but she went and was a harlot also.

Yet He waited for them and gave them opportunities to repent and return to Him. I think we can follow not only what He said but what He did.

We once met a sister who cried throughout as she told us how her husband abused her not just physically, but mentally, verbally and sexually. I don’t know the extent of his perversion, but “unchastity” translates the Greek word porneia, which is defined as illicit sexual intercourse, including:
• adultery, fornication, homosexuality, lesbianism, intercourse with animals etc.
• sexual intercourse with close relatives (i.e. incest, Lev 18);
• sexual intercourse with a divorced man or woman (Mk 10:11-12);
So depending on what he had done, he might have broken the marriage covenant already, even though he did not have a mistress.

She did not want to report him to the police for fear that he would be jailed, and that there will be repercussions. We advised her for the sake of her own and their children’s safety, she must separate themselves from him. Since he is perverted, he might go after the children when he no longer gets excitement after abusing her.

To try to get to the root of the problem, we also witnessed to her husband in the hope that he would repent. He listened to the gospel but did not receive Christ at that time. However, we were glad to learn that he had treated his wife better from that time on, and occasionally would even come to church himself. We understand your concern for your abused friend, but I would follow the Bible as best as we can without going beyond what the Lord permits.

Pedophile Husband?

Q. My niece’s husband, in his early 40’s, was a church youth director. He has been in jail since July for distributing child porn. I pray to God to tell her what to do. I said she should divorce him and separate him from their two early teen children (a boy and a girl). My sister said Christians should not divorce but I know this is an utmost case of immorality, which calls for divorce and dissociation to protect the children. A Christian cannot be a pedophile. A Christian cannot be under the same yoke with a non-believer. I realize she must be distraught but is hesitating to divorce him. How can I persuade her to do the right thing according to God’s will?

A. Yes God hates divorce (Mal 2:16), but He provides an exception in the NT:
• M5 5:32 but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
• Mt 19:9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.

The exception under which divorce is permitted is unchastity or immorality. Both words translate the Greek word porneia, from which we get our English word “pornography”. The literal meaning is “illicit sexual intercourse”, which includes:
• adultery, fornication, homosexuality, lesbianism, bestiality (intercourse with animals);
• incest (sexual intercourse with close relatives), Lev 18;
• sexual intercourse with a divorced man or woman, Mk 10:11-12.

The older lexicons did not list pedophile (sexual attraction towards children) or hebephile (sexual attraction towards adolescents) because these are relatively modern terms, but they would fall under the broad meaning of pornography. One must be careful to distinguish between an attraction and actually acting out one’s desire. The former is an urge which, if controlled, is not yet sin. The latter is unchecked lust and is sin.

For the youth director to distribute child porn, he has gone beyond private fantasy and crossed the line to sexual abuse of children. I don’t know whether he had molested children himself, but the materials he is distributing involved molesting and degrading children in their production, and fuel other pedophiles to perpetrate exploiting children. He had betrayed his family’s trust, and his wife has legitimate biblical grounds for divorce.

However, I must also add that while divorce is permissible, it is not mandatory. If he truly repents, God still forgives and so can his wife. It does take a long time to rebuild trust, but it is not impossible. Pedophilia is not the unpardonable sin. If she doubts his repentance, then for the sake of the children she should at least separate from him and take time to assess whether his repentance is genuine. This is protection for the children, and biblically permissible.

Abused? Divorce?

Q. My unbelieving husband abused me physically and mentally? I would rather die than continue like this. Can I divorce him?

A. I am sorry that your husband is like that. A man who abuses his wife or children is not fit to be a husband or father, but is a coward who vents his inferiority on those physically weaker than he. Death is not a solution to your pain, and the Bible permits divorce only in the case of sexual immorality (Mt 5:32, 19:9; see yesterday’s post), or abandonment (desertion) by an unbelieving spouse:
• 1 Co 7:15 Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.

Your husband is unbelieving, so if he chooses to leave, let him leave. You are not bound to the abusive marriage. However, if he does not show any inclination to leave, the biblical option is separation. Nowhere in the Bible does it require an abused wife to submit herself to her abusive husband. Her safety and that of her children are paramount. She can extract herself and any small children to a safe shelter, whether to her parents, her friends, or to a government-run shelter.

In fact, abuse is a criminal offense in many jurisdictions, and must be reported to the authorities. And it is not restricted to physical violence either. The abuse could be physical (e.g. hitting), sexual (e.g. subjecting her to his perversions), verbal (e.g. taunts), emotional (e.g. tearing down her self-worth), and mental-psychological torment. If you are afraid, inform your family or close friends and ask the church to help. The police could place restraining orders on the abusive husband, or put him in jail if he poses a threat to you and/or the children’s safety.

The best option of course is for your husband to become a Christian submitted to the Word of God. Pray that the Holy Spirit will convict his heart of sin, righteousness, and judgment (Jn 16:8). Ask your pastor or church leaders to witness to him, and pray for his conversion. If he is truly repentant, reconciliation is possible. Don’t submit in silence. God never intended you to.

Divorce or Forgive?

Q. We’ve been married over 20 years but my adulterous husband lost our store and all our savings at the casino. On top of that he has a mistress who is only after his money. Can I divorce him, or should I forgive such a deadbeat dad?

A. It is extremely difficult when your husband is like that, when the man you have entrusted your life to caused all the pain by his philandering and gambling addiction. Whether you should divorce or forgive him depend on two biblical principles and his repentance.

Although God hates divorce (Mal 2:16), He allows it under one exception:
• Mt 5:32 but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
• Mt 19:9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Unchastity or immorality is any illicit sexual intercourse, including adultery, fornication, homosexuality, lesbianism, bestiality, sexual relationship with close relatives (Lev 18), and with a divorced man or woman (Mk 10:11-12). When a husband or wife is unchaste or immoral, they have broken their marriage covenant, and the innocent spouse is allowed to divorce the guilty party. This is a permissible exception to the general rule of “no divorce”, though not mandatory. Forgiveness is possible if the guilty party repents.

The second principle is based on how Jesus dealt with the situation in John 8:3-15. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery to Jesus to test Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger. Then He straightened up and said, “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” They began to go out one by one, and He and the woman were left alone. Jesus said, “I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more.”

The Bible did not say what Jesus wrote, but scholars have suggested the 10 Commandments as the essence of the Law, or the sins the crowd were guilty of. They did not condemn her because they themselves are not without sin, so were not qualified to stone her. Jesus forgave the adulteress, but with a condition, that she sin no more. He asked her to repent.

The same applies to us. Which one of us is without sin? We may not have committed the act of adultery, but Jesus said in Mt 5:28 that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. We may not be compulsive gamblers, but if we have been greedy we are covetous and will not inherit the kingdom of God (1 Co 6:10; Eph 5:5). If God has forgiven us our sins, we can forgive those who sin against us, including unfaithful and squandering spouse, provided they repent.

What if the womanizing and prodigal spouse does not repent? Do we still take him back? In this case I believe the right thing to do is to protect the children. They are innocent and do not deserve to be dragged down with their irresponsible father. The tough love option is to let the delinquent husband-dad go and suffer the consequences of his folly. Let the other woman desert him after his money is gone so that he’ll wake up. Do not cover his debts for him. Get on with your own life for the sake of your children. Let God deal with your husband in His way and His time. It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God. (Heb 10:31).