Divorce

Q. I know an abusive husband who beats his wife black and blue. I have no qualms advising her to divorce him. What do you think?

A. What I think is not important. What God thinks is. The Bible is very clear on the subject of divorce:
• Mal 2:16 For I hate divorce,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong,” says the LORD of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.”
• Mt 5:31-32 It was said, ‘WHOEVER SENDS HIS WIFE AWAY, LET HIM GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE’; but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. Also Mt 19:7-9; Mk 10:11-12; Lk 16:18
• 1 Co 7:11-12 But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife. But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away.

God hates divorce, but allows it for the reason of unchastity, when the marriage covenant had been broken. Being married to an unbeliever spouse is not a biblical ground for divorce, nor is spousal abuse specifically allowed as an exception to the rule of “no divorce”. I sympathize with the spouse who is subject to abuse, and would advise “separation” to protect herself/himself against further abuse.

One point seldom discussed. Although God hates divorce, He Himself sent Israel and Judah away and gave them a writ of divorce because of their spiritual adultery:
• Is 50:1 Thus says the LORD, “Where is the certificate of divorce By which I have sent your mother away? Or to whom of My creditors did I sell you? Behold, you were sold for your iniquities, And for your transgressions your mother was sent away.
• Jer 3:8 And I saw that for all the adulteries of faithless Israel, I had sent her away and given her a writ of divorce, yet her treacherous sister Judah did not fear; but she went and was a harlot also.

Yet He waited for them and gave them opportunities to repent and return to Him. I think we can follow not only what He said but what He did.

We once met a sister who cried throughout as she told us how her husband abused her not just physically, but mentally, verbally and sexually. I don’t know the extent of his perversion, but “unchastity” translates the Greek word porneia, which is defined as illicit sexual intercourse, including:
• adultery, fornication, homosexuality, lesbianism, intercourse with animals etc.
• sexual intercourse with close relatives (i.e. incest, Lev 18);
• sexual intercourse with a divorced man or woman (Mk 10:11-12);
So depending on what he had done, he might have broken the marriage covenant already, even though he did not have a mistress.

She did not want to report him to the police for fear that he would be jailed, and that there will be repercussions. We advised her for the sake of her own and their children’s safety, she must separate themselves from him. Since he is perverted, he might go after the children when he no longer gets excitement after abusing her.

To try to get to the root of the problem, we also witnessed to her husband in the hope that he would repent. He listened to the gospel but did not receive Christ at that time. However, we were glad to learn that he had treated his wife better from that time on, and occasionally would even come to church himself. We understand your concern for your abused friend, but I would follow the Bible as best as we can without going beyond what the Lord permits.

Pedophile Husband?

Q. My niece’s husband, in his early 40’s, was a church youth director. He has been in jail since July for distributing child porn. I pray to God to tell her what to do. I said she should divorce him and separate him from their two early teen children (a boy and a girl). My sister said Christians should not divorce but I know this is an utmost case of immorality, which calls for divorce and dissociation to protect the children. A Christian cannot be a pedophile. A Christian cannot be under the same yoke with a non-believer. I realize she must be distraught but is hesitating to divorce him. How can I persuade her to do the right thing according to God’s will?

A. Yes God hates divorce (Mal 2:16), but He provides an exception in the NT:
• M5 5:32 but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
• Mt 19:9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.

The exception under which divorce is permitted is unchastity or immorality. Both words translate the Greek word porneia, from which we get our English word “pornography”. The literal meaning is “illicit sexual intercourse”, which includes:
• adultery, fornication, homosexuality, lesbianism, bestiality (intercourse with animals);
• incest (sexual intercourse with close relatives), Lev 18;
• sexual intercourse with a divorced man or woman, Mk 10:11-12.

The older lexicons did not list pedophile (sexual attraction towards children) or hebephile (sexual attraction towards adolescents) because these are relatively modern terms, but they would fall under the broad meaning of pornography. One must be careful to distinguish between an attraction and actually acting out one’s desire. The former is an urge which, if controlled, is not yet sin. The latter is unchecked lust and is sin.

For the youth director to distribute child porn, he has gone beyond private fantasy and crossed the line to sexual abuse of children. I don’t know whether he had molested children himself, but the materials he is distributing involved molesting and degrading children in their production, and fuel other pedophiles to perpetrate exploiting children. He had betrayed his family’s trust, and his wife has legitimate biblical grounds for divorce.

However, I must also add that while divorce is permissible, it is not mandatory. If he truly repents, God still forgives and so can his wife. It does take a long time to rebuild trust, but it is not impossible. Pedophilia is not the unpardonable sin. If she doubts his repentance, then for the sake of the children she should at least separate from him and take time to assess whether his repentance is genuine. This is protection for the children, and biblically permissible.

Keeping Secrets

Q. I want to share a problem about a teenager with our elder looking after youth, but he said he shares everything with his wife. I feel uncomfortable about that as it does not concern her. Is he right in doing that? Is it biblical?

A. There are at least two issues involved:
• Counselor-counselee confidentiality;
• Keeping secrets between spouses.

First, between you and the teenager. I assume the teen confided certain problems with you as her youth counselor.
• If she is being hurt e.g. abuse, you have a legal duty to report which overrides any duties of confidentiality.
• If she is not in danger, then has the teen consented for you to share with others in authority to resolve the problem?
• If you have promised her not to tell anyone and she has not relieved you of that promise, then you should not tell others, provided she is not being hurt in the mean time. Work with her to resolve the issue, or get her concurrence to involve others.

Concerning the elder in charge, while in general it is good for husbands and wives not to keep secrets from each other, this extends only to issues between them i.e. spousal relationship matters. It should not extend to everything as he had suggested, as there are matters which do not concern the spouse. I would consider it a breach of trust if, for example, what I shared with my pastor or doctor got passed onto his wife, then inadvertently through her to others.

What are the biblical principles involved? On the one hand, we should speak the truth:
• Eph 4:15 but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ,
• Eph 4:25 Therefore, laying aside falsehood, SPEAK TRUTH EACH ONE of you WITH HIS NEIGHBOR, for we are members of one another.

On the other hand, that does not mean there should be no secrets:
• Deut 29:29 The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our sons forever, that we may observe all the words of this law.
• Prov 11:13 He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, But he who is trustworthy conceals a matter.
• Prov 25:9 Argue your case with your neighbor, And do not reveal the secret of another,

God Himself does not reveal all things to us because we do not have the capacity to handle them. He wants us to obey by faith. The trustworthy are those who can keep secrets.

We are not required to disclose secrets to those who are not entitled to them e.g. military secrets to enemies, because to do so would breach national security and endanger the lives of many. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you, and use your judgment to discern what to disclose and what to conceal. Hope this helps.

Abused? Divorce?

Q. My unbelieving husband abused me physically and mentally? I would rather die than continue like this. Can I divorce him?

A. I am sorry that your husband is like that. A man who abuses his wife or children is not fit to be a husband or father, but is a coward who vents his inferiority on those physically weaker than he. Death is not a solution to your pain, and the Bible permits divorce only in the case of sexual immorality (Mt 5:32, 19:9; see yesterday’s post), or abandonment (desertion) by an unbelieving spouse:
• 1 Co 7:15 Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.

Your husband is unbelieving, so if he chooses to leave, let him leave. You are not bound to the abusive marriage. However, if he does not show any inclination to leave, the biblical option is separation. Nowhere in the Bible does it require an abused wife to submit herself to her abusive husband. Her safety and that of her children are paramount. She can extract herself and any small children to a safe shelter, whether to her parents, her friends, or to a government-run shelter.

In fact, abuse is a criminal offense in many jurisdictions, and must be reported to the authorities. And it is not restricted to physical violence either. The abuse could be physical (e.g. hitting), sexual (e.g. subjecting her to his perversions), verbal (e.g. taunts), emotional (e.g. tearing down her self-worth), and mental-psychological torment. If you are afraid, inform your family or close friends and ask the church to help. The police could place restraining orders on the abusive husband, or put him in jail if he poses a threat to you and/or the children’s safety.

The best option of course is for your husband to become a Christian submitted to the Word of God. Pray that the Holy Spirit will convict his heart of sin, righteousness, and judgment (Jn 16:8). Ask your pastor or church leaders to witness to him, and pray for his conversion. If he is truly repentant, reconciliation is possible. Don’t submit in silence. God never intended you to.